News

Welcome to our news pages, where you will find articles and links from mainstream media, used to illustrate what a fantastic job Labour is doing in running the country.

Update: 28 March 2006: Fantastic new scams which foreigners can use to get free housing and health care. If YOU know a scam, let us know: There will be a prize of a British Passport for the best suggestions of how to steal from the British state and taxpayer.

HEALTH SERVICE HAS ITS ‘BEST EVER’ YEAR!

Great news!!! The Labour Party is proud to announce that, despite all the stories to the contrary in the press, the National Health Service has had its best ever year! This is not because we have reduced waiting lists or provided better care, but because we have treated more foreign people than ever before!

Last year, 44% of all health service resources were allocated to people from abroad, thus proving that the NHS is now the International Health Service.

Such is the pressure on resources that we have been forced to recruit cheap doctors and nurses from all over the third world, so that 60% of all health workers are now foreign born as well.

In our opinion, improving health standards for health tourists and people from the third world is a great way to spend taxpayers money, and we are delighted that last year we were able to




		The National Health Service: Run by foreigners for foreigners, paid for by the British taxpayer

treat nineteen million foreigners completely free of charge.

We in the Labour Party are committed to the allocation of a greater proportion of state resources to foreigners and we will be proudly continuing this in the future. It makes us feel good, being so generous, and, after all, it’s not our money. Our message to working, tax paying British people is, if you want good quality health care, go private. That’s what we in the government do.

5 May 2006: Comment from Tony, our very own Labour Agony Uncle

ELECTION RESULTS: PROOF THAT WE NEED TO INCREASE IMMIGRATION!

The local government elections have been a disaster, with voters turning their backs on us, despite the wonderful things we have done for them,

bringing the ‘enrichment’ of ‘diversity’ to all areas of the country. Ah well, you can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Clearly, there is a simple solution to the problem: MORE immigration! Immigrants, particularly from the third world, almost always vote Labour, even when they are not citizens and are not entitled to do so.

Charles Clarke, the former head of the Home Office, was far too tough on immigration , and we have now removed him. The next step is to get the word out there to Africa, China, Russia, Central Asia and Latin America that we want more immigrants.




	A boat load of fabulous, wonderful Labour voters heading for Britain


	So, here’s a message to all you lovely lovely people out there in the third world: Our borders are open!! Come to Britain for your free money, housing and health care, TODAY!! All we ask in return is that you VOTE LABOUR!!!

NEW!! The illustrious and wonderful Johnathan Leftwinger MP, the Member for Asylum East, has agreed to write an occasional column for us. Johnathan is truly a man of the people who will help explain our fabulous Labour policies in simple terms to all you revolting white working class oiks out there. Johnathan is doing you a big favour, trying to educate you like this, so read his column now! (Click HERE)

METROPOLITAN POLICE ‘INSTITUTIONALLY RACIST’.

Police are hunting for a black arsonist who has firebombed small shops throughout south London. Because the shops he targeted were all asian owned, the Metropolitan Police have branded the attacks as ‘racist’.

We Labour Party supporters think that this just shows the racist nature of the Met, because we know that all black people are lovely, lovely people who never ever commit any crime and bring us nothing but joy and happiness through the enrichment of diversity and make us rich by providing businesses with cheap labour.

Because they are so racially prejudiced, the Police have not considered these far more likely alternative explanations:

The man hates all small shops, whoever owns them. As all small shops are owned by Asians, without exception, they are innocent victims of the arsonist.




		E-Fit of arsonist: Probably a white person in disguise.

2. He is a white person, probably a member of a party whose name is so vile that we dare not mention it here, and has a very cunning disguise.

We in the Labour Party absolutely refute the possibility that black people are even capable of being racist, because they are so wonderful. (Hence the reason why we want millions more of them to come to our country): Only whites can do this.

This incident only serves to show the urgency with which we need make all the police forces in the UK fully black, and to that end we will soon be enacting a law preventing whites from joining at all, forever.


	AT LAST: HOPE FOR UGLY FAT PEOPLE. IF JOHN PRESCOTT CAN GET A SHAG, ANYONE CAN!




		John Prescott: Fat and revoltingly ugly

Fantastic news for all revolting fat ugly looking people! It is possible to have an active sex life, even if you are so corpulent you can’t see your own willy! John Prescott, our fantastic, competent and wonderful Deputy Prime Minister has been having non stop sex with his attractive secretary, Tracy Temple, for several years. (For more, click HERE)

Prescott, whose British Bulldog jowled looks would crack any mirror, used his position to get his leg over at every opportunity. There are even allegations that he had sex with Tracy in his ministerial office, and in a hotel room while his wife was downstairs. He is also alleged by a

number of people in his office to have been a serial groper.

The Labour Party believes in ending discrimination against all groups, including ugly people, and in this regard our esteemed Deputy Prime Minister has blazed a trail. If you are fat, John should be an inspiration to you. No need to visit the gym: Get 2 Jags instead!!

IF YOU ARE OBESE AND REPULSIVE, VOTE LABOUR!!!!!!

NEW REPORT SAYS MIGRANT CHEAP LABOUR GREAT FOR THE ECONOMY!!

Ernst and Young, a major firm of accountants, have reported that immigration has been good for the economy. (Click HERE for more). According to the report, migrants have depressed wages and helped to put upward pressure on house prices, which is fantastic news for rich people everywhere in the UK!

In the light of this report, we in the Labour Party have a special message for indigenous people: Please do not feel resentment at the fact that immigrants are taking your housing, medical care and jobs. Your sacrifice is helping to ensure that businesses are profitable and that the people we care about are continuing to get very very rich.

These rich people are helping to bankroll our party, which means that we will stay in power, and get very rich ourselves, for ever and ever.




		A boat load of fantastic cheap labour heading for Britain.


	We thank you for the fact that you have given up your own future and that of your children so that we and our mates can make large amounts of cash,and will continue to thank you while we laugh all the way to the bank.

WHY WE DON’T DEPORT FOREIGN CRIMINALS

Reports have been appearing in the press that the Home Office has not been deporting foreign convicts at the end of their sentences, even when the courts have recommended that this should happen. (For more click HERE)

Our very competent and effective Home Secretary, Charles Clarke has proudly accepted responsibility for this fact, and with good reason: We in the Labour Party believe that all foreigners and members of the ethnic minorities are lovely lovely people who are all hard working, nice people who never ever commit any kind of crime. This particularly applies to black people.

It therefore stands to reason that all foreigners who end up in our prisons are victims of racism on the part of juries, and are all innocent, even when they are caught red handed engaging in acts of paedophilia, drug dealing and mugging.




		Foreign prisoners: all innocent

We therefore have a policy that all foreigners convicted of any crime, including murder, should never ever be deported. They can all make a wonderful, fantastic contribution to our country, and should instead be given free council houses and British passports.

Remember: Foreigners, even convicted murderers, bring us the enrichment of diversity, for which we should all be grateful.

BLACK MARY-ANN LENEGHAN MURDERERS ARE ‘LOVELY LOVELY PEOPLE’

Six people were convicted today for the horrific and brutal murder of Mary-Anne Leneghan, a young, innocent white girl. Although all of them were members of the ethnic minorities, this only goes to show that they

are lovely lovely people who never ever commit crime and bring joy and happiness to our country through the enrichment of diversity. For more, click HERE

Obviously, one of two things happened here:

These folk were racially discriminated against throughout their lives, to the point that, in despair, they turned to crime, murder, rape and other violence, or
They were corrupted by evil white people who taught them how to be brutal, and used them for the purposes of committing these heinous crimes.

Either way, the true perpetrators of this crime were clearly white people, because we all know that it is impossible for foreigners and blacks to be anything other than creators of endless joy and happiness. Left to themselves, they would have



	Mary-Anne murderers: Lovely folk corrupted by evil whites.

spent their lives working hard and helping old ladies across the road.

We in the Labour Party Supporters Committee sincerely hope that these kind, generous and perfect people will be released early from prison, and then they should be given free council houses and be allowed to live off the British state while they contribute to the diversity of our society for the rest of their lives.

URGENT APPEAL FOR FUNDS: CHERIE BLAIR’S HAIRSTYLIST

Cherie Blair has presented our party with a bill for £7700, which represents the cost of having a personal hairstylist with her at all times during the last election campaign. (Click HERE for more) As Labour supporters, we feel that this would have been extremely good value, bearing in mind our policy of image being more

important than policies.

However, as the picture on the right shows, the money was not wisely spent. Most of the time, Cherie looked less like the wife of the Prime Minister, and more like Harry Enfield’s Waynetta, or even a character from Rab C Nesbitt!

We consider that £7700 was far to little to make Cherie




		Cherie: Worzel Gummidge lookalike?

look presentable. What is needed here is a far more radical makeover, possibly involving plastic surgery.

We are therefore launching a special appeal fund, the proceeds of which will be used to make Cherie’s appearance more acceptable. Please, please let us have your money, as soon as possible. We estimate that at least £250 000 will be needed to get her up to scratch.

There will be a free British passport and a life peerage for all donors giving over £100 000.

Get your cheque books out now and save our party!!!

New Scam: 14 April 2006

FREE COUNCIL HOUSES FOR ALL EUROPEAN CITIZENS!!!

Great news for all European citizens! A new legal ruling makes it obligatory for us to give free public housing to all European citizens (except British nationals)! Here’s how to get YOUR free house:

Come to the UK from any EU country
Do not seek work, but say that you wish to look after your children at home.
Move in to your wonderful new home and relax: You will now have time to enjoy everything Britain offers: Free money, health care, language lessons, and education.

We are able to bring you this wonderful offer because of a recent court ruling. For more click HERE.

We are committed to giving free housing to people from all over the world, and we are immensely grateful to the courts for making it obligatory for us to do this. We know that all the people who come will make many, many children, so our source of cheap labour is guaranteed for decades to come.

11 April 2006

FANTASTIC NEWS!! SHAM MARRIAGES ARE BACK!

You may remember that last year we made a half hearted attempt to stop people marrying British citizens purely for the purpose of circumventing immigration controls. ‘Immigration weddings’ accounted for 70% of all weddings in the UK until we were forced to bow to public pressure and ban them.

The good news is that a high court ruling has made them possible again, and we look forward to welcoming many more third world immigrants to our wonderful, multicultural, overcrowded country again! As we have always said, you can’t have too many immigrants! To find out more, click HERE

So, get your tourist visa, come to Britain, and marry a British citizen, for that wonderful ‘Indefinite leave to remain’ stamp TODAY!!!

9 April 2006: A comment from our very own Labour Agony Uncle, Tony

WE GET TOUGH: EITHER YOU LIKE ETHNIC MINORITIES, OR WE’LL SEND YOU TO PRISON!

A ten year old boy appeared in court last week, after stating publicly that a muslim foreigner in his school was not a very very lovely person. This was appalling behaviour, as we know that ALL immigrants bring us endless joy and happiness, and only a tiny, tiny minority of them ever blow up tube trains. Here’s the story as it was reported in the Daily Mirror. (Click HERE)

We in the Labour party will not tolerate anybody being nasty in any way to our wonderful sources of cheap labour, and if we can bring the full weight of the law down on a 10 year old boy, imagine what we can do to adults who dissent!

Remember, all foreigners are good: Without them the country would fall apart, and we wouldn’t get any votes. If you don’t like them, go and live in Spain.

News: 7 April 2006

FANTASTIC NEWS FOR EMPLOYERS AND RICH PEOPLE: ROMANIA TO BE THE SOURCE OF THE NEXT CHEAP LABOUR BONANZA!!

Thanks to the current EU leadership for their decision to allow third world countries to join the EU: Their populations can provide Britain with yet more cheap labour! Romania is joining the EU next year, and a recent survey showed that as many as 8 million of its 24 million population will be coming to Britain within 3 months of accession!

Here’s an analysis of this ‘third world’ hell hole country.

Formerly one of the worst communist dictatorships in Europe, Romania completely failed to develop after the war, due mainly to the fact that it was run by Ceacescu, a mad dog dictator who stole all the national wealth of the country.

40% of Romanians live on less than $1000 a year, or $3 a day
Romania has no health care system worth mentioning. A few private hospitals are functioning, but only 14% of the population can afford to go to them. Public hospitals are little more than death traps
32% of Romanians are unemployed.
Romania is the 14th most corrupt country on earth.
36% of Romanians leave school unable to read and write. Education is not free and 19% are unable to send their children to school at all.

Not surprisingly, most of the population of this vile cesspit want to get out, and a recent survey showed that 81% of children about to leave school intend to come to Britain as soon as they can save up the bus fare. Reasons cited are free health care, housing and a generous benefits. Of the rest of the population (total 22 million) approximately a quarter intend to leave as soon as the borders are opened. This makes a total of approximately 8 million.

Older workers intend to work for a year, the minimum period before they can claim benefits, and then bring their large families over to the UK, as they will then be given free housing. The general feeling is, life on the dole in Britain is much better than working life in Romania.

These people will be largely uneducated, and, above all, cheap, so if you own a fast food restaurant or are tired of having to employ africans as parking attendants, you will have a huge new mass of people to recruit your serf labour from! Wages will go down even lower! You will definitely get very rich!

If you enjoy the services of prostitutes, Romanians are reputed to offer very good service, at low prices. We applaud the operation of competition in this market, helping to drive down the price of what is after all an essential commodity.

Uniquely amongst EU countries, the UK plans to allow all Romanians to come to the country as soon as it becomes part of the EU, so if you are an employer...

YOU WILL NEVER NEED TO EMPLOY A BRITISH PERSON EVER AGAIN!!!

THE LABOUR PARTY UK: THE CHEAP LABOUR PARTY!!!!!!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: 30 March 2006 Several of our members have instigated a move to rename the Labour Party: We want to call it The CHEAP Labour Party in memory of the Chinese Cockle Pickers who drowned in Morecambe Bay: Although this was a major tragedy, we know that there are billions more peasants in the third world waiting to die at the hands of unscrupulous employers all over the UK. Our open borders policy makes this possible, and helps make a few people very rich! Click HERE if you are planning to come to the UK to work for almost nothing from any third world country. Our party and our country need and want you! Click HERE to send us YOUR views on the party’s new name.

16 April 2006: Comment from Tony, our Labour Agony Uncle

FABULOUS MARGARET HODGE COMPETITION!!

Margaret Hodge, our wonderful and highly competent Employment Minister, spent some time out canvassing recently, and found that significant numbers of white working class people were planning to vote for a party whose name is so vile that we can’t reproduce it here. For the full report click HERE.

It appears that the benefits of the ‘enrichment’ of ‘diversity’ had somehow escaped this particular class of people. Incredibly, they said that:

They felt that all social housing was allocated to illegal African and other third world immigrants and bogus asylum seekers.
Their children were now being educated in classes where they might be the only white face in a sea of lovely black and brown kids, only 5% of whom spoke English properly, and they felt this ‘buggered up’ their children’s life chances.
That the resources of the health service were being unfairly allocated to brown skinned people.
Overall, many people said that they didn’t feel that foreigners, particularly third world refugees, were a source of endless joy and happiness! (Unfortunately, these people are just plain thick, which is why we abandoned them in the first place!)

Again, it seems that we have failed to communicate the New Labour message, and so we have decided to run a special competition: We are looking for your ideas on how lovely, lovely foreigners, particularly of the dark skinned variety, bring joy and happiness to us all. There will be a prize of a free British Passport and council house for the best entry we receive before May 4th. Send your entries to britsarescum@thelabourparty.org.uk. (Note: Cheap labour excluded)

20 June 1996: Great news for cheap labour fans from the Labour Party

IMMIGRATION CONTROLS: OUR BORDERS ARE NOW COMPLETELY OPEN!

As we have often said on this site, we in the Labour Party are dedicated to opening our borders to allow the unrestricted influx of lovely lovely foreign terrorists, paedophiles, bogus asylum seekers, muggers, gangsters, and folks from all over the third world coming to Britain to take resources from our enemies, white working class British people, and the good news is, it looks like we have suceeded!

By systematically reducing the number of staff working at our ports and cutting the budgets of both the immigration and customs service, we have ensured that all you fabulous cheap labour types can get in to our country to get free health care and houses without the slightest difficulty. For more, click HERE

As long as you don’t come through one of the main airports, such as Heathrow, the chances of you being caught entering the country are almost nil. Swansea, Pembroke, Falmouth, and Plymouth are particularly good, as they don’t even have permanent customs officers stationed there.

While you are coming in, why not bring drugs, guns, weapons grade plutonium or nerve toxins with you, as selling them will give you a great start when beginning your new life in our wonderful country. We don’t mind what you do, as long as you vote for our fantastic party.

So, pack your bags, get out your forged documents, and come to Britain (through our smaller ports), today!!

16 July 2006: Fabulous non whites only employment news.

BRIGHTON COUNCIL NOW ONLY EMPLOYING NON WHITES

Congratulations to Brighton Borough Council for becoming the first ever local authority to openly institute a policy of employing only dark skinned folk. (For more click HERE)

We applaud the bravery of the council in their groundbreaking endeavour, and hope that their success will encourage other councils to do the same. We expect millions more ethnic minorities to come to our country, and, like all employers, councils should avail themselves of the fabulous cheap labour opportunites, (and hence cheaper council tax) this influx will create.




		Brighton council: Now employing non whites only.

22 July 2006: Fabulous Cheap Labour News

MILLIONS OF EASTERN EUROPEANS COME TO BRITAIN. OUR MISSION TO DENY EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITIES TO WHITE BRITISH PEOPLE IS WORKING!!

In addition, we are even destroying the economies of countries like Poland and Lithuania in the process!! FANTASTIC!!

Links:

Why would you leave a city like Wroclav? (Guardian)

Biggest wave of migrants in history. (Daily Mail)

27 July 2006: More fantastic ‘Nigerian’ antics in the Home Office

FANTASTIC ACHIEVEMENT: AN IMMIGRATION SERVICE NIGERIA WOULD BE PROUD OF!

A few years ago we decided to set ‘diversity’ targets in the Home Office and stopped recruiting white people. Instead, only third world citizens were permitted to apply, with the result that staff have implemented a fabulous ‘private enterprise’ regime, supplementing their salaries with bribes and perks, just as they would back home.

We applaud this wonderful change, especially as it has resulted in even MORE lovely lovely foreigners coming to our lovely multicultural, ‘diverse’ paradise.

For more, click HERE.

5 Aug 2006: Johnathan Leftwinger has some exciting news!!

I read in The Sun, a downmarket gutter tabloid whose only saving grace is its support for the Labour Party, that America's toughest sheriff says that Britain must 'get tough' in its treatment of criminals and that Wandsworth Prison should be less of a holiday camp.

Well, Excu-use ME! Perhaps this gung-ho Yankee-Doodle should be reminded just whose country this is! In the Labour Party.. for more click HERE

1 Aug 2006: Fantastic immigration news

WE GET TOUGH ON PEOPLE SMUGGLERS

When we came to power in 1997 we promised to do whatever it takes to stop ‘people smuggling’, and we are proud to be able to tell you that we have succeeded!

By making it easier than ever before to enter the UK illegally, the cost of being smuggled in to the UK has fallen to only £150! Also, half the people who used to come here illegally are now legal anyway, so we have effectively destroyed the market. For more click HERE

Reports from all over the country state that gangsters who used to make a good living out of people trafficking have given up in disgust and are now concentr