21 July 2007:  More fabulous government information for the great unwashed.

PRESS RELEASE:  MINISTRY OF AIRPORTS.

I am the minister for information at the Muslim Airports Department (MAD) and you may recall that I wrote to you last year regarding the rules and restrictions that were then being introduced for people wishing to fly after (alleged) attempts had been made to interfere with aeroplanes  by a few of angry people (See below, Ed)

The purpose of writing to you at this time is to inform you and your readers that, although people thought airport and airplane security so far was quite harsh and was causing them much difficulty and embarrassment we now intend to introduce even more extreme measures at ALL UK airports and we hope that these measures will be taken up and adopted by other airports abroad. We are quite sure that airport authorities around the world are now looking intently at the situation in the UK and asking themselves 'could this happen here?' Well, I can assure them that it can and probably will sometime soon if they are a bit unlucky or they don't tighten up their security and take extreme measures as we intend to take here in the UK.

Some of the measures that we have  implemented in the light of recent events may have to be enforced on a permanent basis due to the recent actions of these (alleged) few angry people who would wish to disrupt the lives of ordinary people who want to, still, travel by air. Now before I go on to outline these new security measures I must reiterate that we at MAD do really like it here and apart from fish and chips and football and cricket we have also been enjoying the recent tennis as well and we really do love the Labour party very much and some of us have even been to Scotland and are thinking of visiting Wales and Ireland as well.

Anyway, that said I must get on to the 'nitty gritty bit' as the English people would say. As you may be aware we have decided to stop members of the public taking their cars anywhere near any airports and I must warn you that attempting to do so may result in being shot to pieces by very heavily armed police and your car bursting into flames and all your luggage being destroyed in the process. Ordinary people will now have to park their cars several miles (soon to be Kilometres) away from the airport and then rely on a possible shuttle service to get them to and from a point somewhere near the terminal but it may still be necessary to walk long distances with luggage etc: and then que outside for long periods regardless of the weather in order to pass through the 'pre airport security checks'. This actually has several unseen advantages in that, airports will no longer need large car parks and the space can now be used to build bigger terminals with more shops and bars etc: and longer runways to accomodate the new generation of super jumbo size jets that are now coming into service.

Also the ordinary people will get more exercise walking to the terminals and therefore will be more hungry and thirsty than normal so will tend to spend a lot more money in the terminals. They will also almost certainly bring a lot less luggage and this will help to reduce the growing excess baggage problems that now seem to be paramount at British airports thus reducing carbon emissions and making the 'green lobby' a bit happier (although we will soon be introducing much more stringent baggage allowances with even less weight allowed, purely as a security and health and safety measure, obviously). We think that a small bag with just a change of underwear will suffice for most people. Remember, you will be able to buy anything that you need in the airport shops when you do eventually get to them and you will probably be very glad that you can if you are cold or wet or you are in urgent need of toiletries etc:

All of the above will almost certainly have a beneficial effect as more and more ordinary people decide that it is just not worth the effort and stay at home and watch television, thus increasing our control over them and reducing the security costs and the global carbon footprint. As for the people that do decide to fly they will obviously need plenty of money in order to access and use the facilities but they must be  made to understand that they will have to undergo very rigorous and possibly embarrassing security checks which may include strip searches or even cavity searches. Another beneficial effect of the new restrictions will be the need to recruit many more security and police officers with specialist arms training. This will give the relevent departments the chance to increase the uptake of ethnic minorities in their employ and so meet the quotas now laid down for their departments. Now, on this point people may say that we will soon be living in a Police state and ask about the hidden costs but let me assure you that they do not have to worry as, 1/ they are already living in a Police state which will soon become even more controlled and that 2/ there will not be many hidden costs, in actual fact nearly all the costs will be clearly marked up, in euros in the terminals of the airports.

The other questions that ordinary members of the public are quick to ask concern the old the infirmed and the disabled and the children. Well, we have carried out surveys among the airlines and airline staff and they seem quite happy with the new procedures and they believe that the fewer of these type of people that try to travel the better it will be, due to the fact that turnaround times will be quicker as they won't have to be bothered with the delays and the time it takes to deal with these type of people, in actual fact they even went so far as to suggest that the sooner ordinary people with children stopped flying then the better things would be and we did say in our last letter to you that disabled people would be well advised to stay away from airports.

I realise that this update is quite protracted and that there may be some concerns among your members and readers as to the content but I can assure you that we here at MAD are taking all possible steps to protect and improve the lives of anybody who is considering going to, or entering, or flying from any UK airport. You must also realise however that although there are a few hundred thousand misguided souls out there that are intent on totaly changing your way of life we here at MAD are doing everything within our power to make sure that ordinary people are not unduly worried by all of the changes that are taking place and that eventually they will all be safe within our care.
                     Thankyou for your patience and understanding and you can rest assured that I will notify you of any more updates to the present situation as quick as is possible, notwithstanding the current security situation.
 
                           Mustapha Windaseet.
                                         M.A.D.

ENDS

18 September 2006: Another fabulous Ministerial brief for the great unwashed.

Dear Editor

I feel I must write to you in order to let you and your readers know about our new government department which is now being set up in order to deal with the fears of the public surrounding the issues of alleged crime and perceived criminal activity.

We will be known as the department for criminal rehabilitation and prisons ( C.R.A.P ) or Department for Crap if you prefer and our brief is to reduce the publics fears and make things look good for the press etc: in order to keep all our lovely Labour voters happy and to convince even more voters to support our wonderful party. To this end we have decided to implement several new policies which we think the ordinary public will applaud even though the true effects of these actions may not become apparent for several years, by which time we will have achieved total power or we will have been cast into the wilderness in which case it will not matter to us any more.

Our first objective will be to ensure that if anybody should be 'in the wrong place at the wrong time' and become a victim of a serious crime then we will send them a letter of apology providing that they have sent us all of the details, in triplicate, by recorded delivery. This will usually take between three and six months and should please anyone who has been an alleged victim or who is related to one. If they are not satisfied then they can phone our automated call center, although this will be a premium rate line but the recorded advice will be quite good. This will save the valuable time of police officers and free them up to carry out much more important duties such as protecting members of paliament, dignitaries and pop stars etc:

The second objective will be NOT to jail shoplifters as shoplifting we have now decided is not real crime at all. In future anyone actually caught by the shopkeepers will be given a fixed penalty fine. The fine will be in proportion to the value of the goods that they have taken ( not stolen, the goods are only actually stolen if they leave the shop in which case the onus will be on the shopkeeper to prove in court that they actually owned the goods and if the case should actually be proved than the shop owner will receive a letter of apology in the post ). So for example, should a person be caught 'red handed' going through the checkout and not paying with an armful of clothes to the value of £2000.00 the shopkeeper will tell the person to leave the clothes and then ask the person for their name and address etc:, then send the details to the police ( recorded delivery, obviously ) and they will issue a fixed penalty fine of £50.00 which will then be sent to the alleged shoplifter, see? easy, simple.

As you can now see from the above policies we at C.R.A.P. will have instantly reduced the amount of people that would have otherwise taken up the so valuable time of the police and the courts and who would have, under the old system, ended up in prison.

On the matter of prisons ( rehabilitation institutions ), we have realised that under the old system they are now overcrowded due to all the alleged previous crime so we now intend to release a huge proportion of the prison population in order to free up the much needed space. This will have several advantages, it will mean that we can then close some prisons as they will not be needed any longer, we can also reduce the numbers of staff required, thus making huge savings on wages. We can then sell of these puplic assets ( as we did with all the other publicly owned assets ) for housing in order to acomodate the swiftly growing population of new incoming Labour voters thus making even more revenue for ourselves.

Some people though still seem to be concerned about crime and prisons and lack of punishment etc: and have even gone so far as to say that they fear our society is crumbling and that there will soon be anarchy on our streets. Well, I can assure them that there is no need to worry about anarchy coming to our streets anytime soon as it is already here and has been for some time now and that they have been living with it thus far. I can appreciate their concerns but can assure them that under the new system with the power of the fixed penalty fines and the police letters that their fears are probably unfounded and they can, if they wish, leave their doors open without fear.

People also seem to be concerned that most of the alleged crimes that are being commited are being carried out by the new strangers now living in our country. Well we have the answer to that also. As you may be aware our wonderful leaders are now setting up another department to deal with integration due to the fact that white Britons do not 'feel comfortable' with the change but they must, I'm afraid to say, accept the change and be integrated into the new population. We at C.R.A.P will be doing all that we can to ensure that there is no deviation from the government line on this policy to impose such wonderful diversity and there will be an 'honest debate' before we actually start to implement procedures to impose a 'single British identity'.

Now that we are clearing the prisons of alleged criminals and using the new 'insignificant crimes' that are 'too trivial to prosecute' procedures combined with the fixed penalties and the apology letters we will now have plenty of police officers and prison cells left clear in order to deal with ANY of the white or indiginous population who do not toe the party line. So be warned, should you be abused, robbed, attacked, wounded or intimidated by any of the new strangers and you try to protect yourself,your family, your friends, your property or even your dog then we will be coming for you, especially so if you are white. There will be no fixed penalty or police apology letter for you. You will be branded as a racist and all your details will be published in the press and on television. You WILL be arrested, you WILL be charged, you WILL be jailed, you WILL be taken to court regardless of the cost, you WILL almost always go to prison if at all possible AND you WILL NOT have your human rights honoured unless you have a really expensive top class and slick lawer. You will almost certainly lose your job or business. Also, if and when you are released back into the community it is very unlikely that you will receive any assistance but you WILL be expected to integrate!

To anybody who is not happy with this situation we say they can always leave for another country if they wish but they must be aware that it will not be possible to receive the health care or benefits that they have paid for in National Insurance payments and tax and that they may also NOT be able to collect their pensions if they leave the country. The government will need this money to pay for health and welfare care for the millions of deserving wonderful newcomers who are so quickly enriching this loveley country.

Yours sincerely

Acting Chief Press Officer ( A.C.P.O. )

Detective Inspector A. Mole ( C.R.A.P.)

Keeping the Community Safe and Secure for the Voters.

Thanks for that. We don’t really know much about what goes on in the Civil Service, preferring a ‘hands off’ approach, so when things go wrong, we keep our jobs, but this sounds like a brilliant idea.  However, if someone gets murdered because by a lovely ‘enriched’ foreigner who has been let out early, we will deny responsibility.  Ed.

11 August 2006: Public information from one of our fabulous, fantastic ethnic minority promoting Ministries:

Dear Editor

I am the minister for information at the Muslim Airports Department ( M.A.D.). Some people refer to us as the Department of Airports for Muslims ( D.A.M.) but we prefer to be known as M.A.D. Before I go on to tell you about the current situation and the new airport rules being introduced I would just like to say that we here at M.A.D. are all very British and that we all support the national football and cricket teams and also like fish and chips and that we love the Labour party very very much. As you are probably aware by now quite a lot of new rules are now going to be STRICTLY IMPOSED on people who wish to travel by air from this lovely country of OURS ( I would suspect that these rules will also soon be extended to most other forms of travel ).

We here at M.A.D. are now able to advise people who may wish to fly or who were thinking of, or even dreaming of flying how some of the new rules may affect them. So, in answer to the thousands of questions that we have received in the last day or so from the public and the press I would like very much to advise you of the following.

Food. No food is allowed except for baby food which must be eaten by the baby before boarding in case it contains any strange chemicals, you can BUY sandwiches on the plane. The same goes for any drinks, even pure water, you will have to BUY it on the plane AFTER takeoff and if people ask what happens if they are stuck on the runway for several hours and are dying of thirst then the answer is obviously that it's better to choke to death on the ground than it is to be blown up at thirty thousand feet.

Electrical or electronic items of any type: ( Even wristwatches) will not be allowed, they all have to go into the hold and if they do turn out to be explosive then at least no one will know who it belonged to, so no individual can be blamed ( this is government policy under the human rights act ). This is especially relevent for those valuable laptop computers, we at M.A.D. believe it is possible for someone to type so fast on a laptop keyboard that the the hard drive will melt and then be used to burn a hole in the fuselage. Mobile phones will definitely not be allowed as someone may communicate with the authorities on the ground as they did in the case of the plane that fell to the ground on 9/11 as it is now known.

All will have to go into the hold but we have to advise that these items may well be stolen and will probably not be covered by insurance due to the recent alleged terrorist activity and almost all insurance companies will take this opportunity to update any policy so that you will not be covered for very much at all. Please note that this will probably apply to any form of compensation claim as well.

Jewellery is also something that people seem to be very worried about. You will not be allowed to take or wear ANY form of jewellery onto the plane but we would not advise that you put it in the hold as it will, most likely 'go missing' , we would suggest that you leave it at home where it MIGHT be insured if you are lucky, or dispose of it to cover the extra costs that will soon be needed in order to be able to fly abroad because as night follows day there will be massive increases to cover the extra costs involved of policing the airports and the airplanes etc:

Wheelchairs and aids for people with disabilities will no longer be allowed into the cabin and will have to go into the hold. We realise that this may possibly lead to claims of discrimination but we would advise that any claims can be negated under the umbrella of alleged risk of terrorism. In the case of people who are unable to cope without these aids then we recommend that they do not fly or even go to an airport.

There is not much left really except for clothing. Belts, shoe laces and ties will not be allowed for obvious reasons and MUST be removed as must any headscarves or other clothing which may possibly be used to smother someone, or in which to hide any plastic or carbon fibre implement that could possibly be used to damage the aeroplane or any person in attack or defense.

This of course MUST NOT apply to Muslim women who obviously WILL be required to cover their bodies completely from head to toe. We therefore recommend that western women convert to Islam as soon as posible to avoid any embarrasment. To this end we at M.A.D. are in the process of putting forward another rule which will mean that most passengers will only be allowed to wear a nappy and carry a transparent plastic bag with their money in it. This will have several advantages, namely that we will be able to see all your money and credit cards and know that you have the funds to BUY anything that you will need ON the plane. Also we will be recommending the removal of the toilets which do not always face the right way and may be abused by people with hidden agendas. The airlines seem to be quite happy with this, as there will then be room to install extra seats, which can then be sold in order to cover the cost of carrying several ARMED GUARDS.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention dentures ( false teeth ). These will, I am afraid to say, also have to go into the hold as it is possible that they may be filed down to a point and used as some sort of weapon or possibly be used to chew through something hard in the aeroplane.

We realise also that the effects of this situation may seem a disadvantage at the moment but would like to point out the long term advantage, that as more and more airlines go bankrupt much less aviation fuel will be used thus leading to a more positive situation regarding the effects of climate change ( previously known as global warming ) and also the possibility to levy much larger airport taxes.

We at the Muslim Airports Department ( M.A.D.) hope that this information may well be helpful to other government departments when dealing with the ordinary members of the public that may, even now, still, be contemplating travel by air.

Yours Sincerely

Mustapha Windaseet.

M.A.D.

Hmm.. not sure about this letter.  The name of this organisation is strikingly similar to the word MAD, which means ‘insane’.  We in the Labour Party are not as naive as people seem to think. Has anyone else heard of them or is this a spoof?   Ed