14 July 2007:  Another fabulous letter for Gordon, our fantastic Labour ‘agony uncle’.

Dear Gordin,

I come here soon, not long back brinn famly and all childrins to work in factry . Maike lot muney, make millins of pounds , make smokink shelter for stupid inglish peoples and welfere man give me houssing and carrings  and muney to make starting bussines. Easy muney ,few scaffold tubes and just single roofy sheet for stupid non beelivers to stand out in rain and smokin faggs.

You now put warnig on beer drinks and say bad for health an mak stupid peeple go outside and I mak many sheltries for stupid inglish for standing out in rains and having pints. Then when all pubings be empti I buy pubings and make many mosques for followers and brothers.

We not smoky faggs or drinkings the beer so nice and cosi inside new mosques while stupis kaffirs outside in rains. You do this theeng i give you lot monies for Lovingly Labour parties, so much munies you not beliv it. My and brothers now all buying ports and airyports. Soon buy good govinment and owne cuntry completely then make stupid inglish peoples into dhimmis and all do as told and all stupis wimmin cowes and bitches have wear burkas and stop drivin carris and stay home in citchins or gettin beetins good and propper.

 Brothers out ther now makin caring bombs to make all intimindation for skaring govinment to capulatings for many culturing enrichings. Everybodies now skarings of us as we soon owne banks as well. We goin burn you flag and then we goin burning you peoples so you not havig wurry bout not gettin votes.

I making sure you getting votis from brothers and all makes lotts muney and giving you lotts muney for guvinment. You doin fantastik job and good working to keep tellin stupid inglish peoples to snadd togither an beein vigilan whil humin rites peoples sain notin wron and have integrating, bluudy good propingganda, flippin mazin, yoo keepin up good workins and we gettins on fines and havvin all munnies and gettings the piireigas and the nitehoods.

Bluddy fantastiks mate.
 
Alli Bin Had.

Dear Ali

Thanks for that lovely letter. It’s always wonderful to hear from members of our immigrant community who have done well, and if you would like a few million from the lottery fund for your mosque, just let us know.  As a government, we just can’t do enough for the wonderful, peace loving, joy bringing Islamic community.

As usual, you win a council house for your contribution. Would you like it in Westminister or Kensington?

Best Wishes

 

Gordon

09 June 2007:  Another fantastic reader’s letter

We at the Labour Party Supporter’s Committee receive many emails from wonderful folks all over the country, showing us how wonderfully tolerant, democratic and generally lovely Labour Party supporters are.  Here’s a typical example from Alistair Holmes. alistairholmes@btinternet.com :

Re:  Nice Site

you are pathetic. come on

do you even have any views? you just seem to be against the labour party. most of the comments you imply are incredibly fascist and ignorant, however you go on to completely contradict yourself with things like "the dismantling of the welfare state". yes labour has done a lot to dismantle the welfare state. but you seem to completely disagree with the welfare state unless it exists solely for rich white british people!?

anyway i cannot be bothered to go through anything else. your website is a pathetic satire that is not even funny.

please would you follow your obvious hero adolf hitler and take your own life.

thanks

alistair holmes

Dear Alistair

I’m a little mystified by your email, as I think you must have been writing to the wrong website!

You probably meant this for www.bnp.org.uk , where you will find no end of racist fascist nazi thuggery. We at the www.thelabourparty.org.uk are lovely people who love the Labour Party and all foreign and dark skinned folks, and want them to come to the UK in even greater numbers than ever so that we can all enjoy even more ‘enrichment  of diversity’ and cheap labour.

We are, however, inspired by your idea that all our political opponents should commit suicide, as we are finding that the jails are full, and it’s getting harder to send them to prison as a result, and also it costs a fortune to keep the bastards alive.  If we could get them to top themselves, it would solve the problem.  We could even get the police to ‘assist’ them, just as they did in Soviet Russia.  Fantastic!

At the moment it is a serious criminal offence to counsel or encourage others to commit suicide, but we are seriously considering changing the law to make it an exception where our political opponents are concerned, and all thanks to your excellent suggestion.

Thanks for your enlightened, democratic contribution!

Tony

PS. We loved your creative writing, devoid of the use of capitals, and total disregard for the rules of grammar.  You were obviously educated in our state system!

PPS: I don’t understand.  We aren’t trying to be funny.

12 March 2007: Another fabulous reader’s letter.

‘Tony Blair’ does not mean ‘liar’.

Dear Uncle Tony

I have heard reports recently that the name of our beloved, wonderful, great Leader, Prime Minister and head of the Party, His Excellency, The Right Honourable Anthony Blair, is being used in common parlance to mean ‘liar’, or ‘lies’, depending on the context.

Examples of this are a Detective Constable, who, while interrogating a suspect in Barking, said, ‘ Stop telling me Tony Blairs or you’ll fall down the stairs!’, and a group of 5 year olds who were heard shouting in a playground in Bolton:  ‘Tony Blair, Tony Blair, your pants are on fire!’

I have also heard that the phrase ‘doing a Tony’ is being used by criminals to mean ‘to engage in a coinfidence trick’. For example, a drug dealer in Brixton was overheard to say, ‘I managed to sell an eighth of an ounce for the price of a half.  Talk about doing a Tony!’

Why is this happening? Could it be that The Party, and our Dear Leader, have been found to have been less than honest with the British public? Please, do what you can to reassure me and other folk like me, that it’s not true, and that Tony Blair has not betrayed the trust placed in him by the electorate.

Gordon, Westminster.

Dear Gordon

Thanks for telling us about this.  As you know, we in the Party very rarely listen to working class people, so we had no idea this was going on, but rest assured, we will be stamping down very firmly on this. 

Here’s all the proof you need that Tony is indeed the very essence of veracity:  As you can see from the pics below, Tony Blair, (Left) looks nothing like a pork pie.  we rest our case!

Spot the difference: On the left, Tony Blair, the Father of the Nation, and on the right, a Pork Pie.  Clearly no resemblence. What more proof do we need that ‘Tony Blair’ does not mean ‘lie’ or ‘liar’?

So, you can rest assured, Gordon, that Tony Blair is a lovely person who is always honest and tells the truth at all times.  Tony loves all the people of Britain, especially if they are dark skinned or foreign, so why would he lie to them?

We will also soon be enacting legislation to make it a criminal offence to criticise our leader, so anyone who uses this new slang will soon find themselves serving a long period of penal servitude.

You have been warned.

Uncle Tony

Remember:  The Labour Party believes that all foreigners are good, British people bad. Muslims good, Christians bad.  Black people good, white people bad.  We are committed to unlimited immigration which will bring us the fantastic gift of cheap labour. Anyone who says anything nasty about us, our policies or about immigrants will be arrested and sent to prison forever, after a short show trial.  Vote for the Labour Party if you share our committment to a doubling of the population within the next 5 years.

mmm