Getting in to Britain is much easier than you think, because the country does not really have border controls in the conventional sense. Although laws exist which in theory could prevent people from entering the country unless they have legally obtained and correct documents, these laws are almost never enforced.  The country is in effect open to anyone from anywhere in the world who wants to come and live here.

There are two main methods of entry: Legal and illegal. (Although these terms are used loosely, as immigration laws are never enforced.) They do, however, mean that there are various protocols you need to observe when passing through ports of entry.

For the latest scams and methods of getting in to the UK through the back door, visit our Scams section.

Legal entry. There are four ways:

First as a tourist: If you are living in a country which requires it, apply for a tourist visa.  Make sure when you do so that you have a reasonable amount of money (two or three thousand U.S. Dollars) in the bank, and forged letters from employers, etc, to support your application, and that you dress well when attending the British Consulate. Unless you make obvious, stupid errors, a tourist visa will be issued to you as a matter of routine, and without question. Then, simply present yourself at the port of entry with a valid passport and a return ticket.  If for some reason the immigration officer is suspicious of you, he may attempt to contact your employer to check if you are really planning to work, so have a friend who will lie for you on the phone. Also,  do not carry too much money with you.  Arrange for it to be sent to you later on.  This is a worst case scenario, however, and it is much more likely that you will just be allowed in without question.  Once you are in the UK, no checks will be made on you in any way whatsoever.  For example, a recent survey revealed that  75% of Jamaican "tourists" never return home.

Second, as a "student":  Huge numbers of English schools exist, where English is never taught! For a few hundred pounds sterling they will supply you with a letter stating that you have paid for and have registered to study there.  Once you have this, a student visa is issued automatically. Again, a number of forged documents and financial manoeuvering may be necessary, but you are unlikely to encounter many difficulties. This method has the advantage that you are legally permitted to work, and hence can easily register for state benefits. Again, you will never have to leave once you are here.

Third, with a working visa:  There are a number of professions which the British government considers are essential to the economy of the country, including nurses, doctors, and some kinds of IT professionals. If you are not one of these, no problem: Simply forge the necessary documents.  If you say you are a medical doctor, you will be believed, even if the closest you have come to medical procedures is that you once dissected a dead goat. No checks will be made in any way. The same applies to nurses, IT professionals, etc. You will need to apply to an employer who will sponsor your application.  (Usually the National Health Service if you are a bogus medical professional) Once you are in the United Kingdom no checks will be made to ensure that you work in the field in which you appear to be qualified, or that you ever took the job you were offered. Your documents will, however, entitle you to receive social security benefits and free housing and medical care.  Again, you will never be required to leave.

UPDATE:  Recently, the Home Secretary, stated that this kind of immigration will be unrestricted, and not limited to essential occupations. He mentioned that there is a shortage of workers in fields such as catering, so if you have ever worked in McDonalds, or helped out in a roadside food stall, you will qualify to come to the UK.  Start saving for your airfare now!!

UPDATE: 6 Jan 2005:  If you are an attractive female, have sex with the staff at Lunar House, Croydon, where most immigration cases are handled. At the very least, come to their offices in a low cut blouse and short skirt and make sure you ‘accidentally’ show male staff your buttocks, by bending over a desk. You will be guaranteed indefinite leave to remain, even if you only originally entered the country as a ‘tourist’.  Recent reports have shown that staff there are more than amenable to ‘inducements’ of this type. For men, you could always try bribery.  Most staff at Lunar House are illiterate teenagers, who, having failed to get work at Macdonalds, are forced to work there out of desparation. Opportunities for sex and bribes are seen as one of the perks of an otherwise vile job.

Fourth, by marrying a British Citizen. This method is not recommended because it is very bureaucratic and difficult. You need to find a British citizen prepared to marry you, and then go through a long and difficult process at the consulate in your country of residence.  It can be done, however, and many 'sham' marriages have resulted in successful entry into the country. In fact, it is estimated that 55% of marriages in London are for immigration reasons. One of the major advantages of this method is that it makes it easier to become a citizen, which conveys a very few advantages.  (Mainly the freedom to travel on a genuine British Passport)

Illegal Methods

1. Using forged documents.  Any citizen of the European Union has the right to live here.  European citizens do not even require a passport to enter the country, as their national identy card will suffice. These are incredibly easy to forge, particularly those from countries like Portugal. When you arrive in the UK you will be waved through immigration controls, without any checks at all.  For example, nobody will bother to ask you whether you speak the language of your forged documents or not.  If you prefer, forged British passports are available for a very reasonable sum all over the world.  When you arrive here, don't worry if you can't speak English, as that is no longer considered an indicator of whether you are a genuine citizen or not. In any case, it is highly unlikely that anyone will even look at your documents. Once in the country, use your passport to gain access to all the services you require.

UPDATE:  In July 2005 immigration staff at all ports were instructed to admit immigrants, even if they are found to be using false documents.  Immigrants were requested to return after 3 days to be deported.  Not surprisingly, not one ever did.  This order is still in force, so using forged documents is by far the best way to enter the country, particularly if you are a terrorist, paedophile, or simply a thief planning to fleece the British taxpayer.

UPDATE:  December 2005:  Forged documents are now the preferred method for illegal migration, and a recent study showed that 44% of EU nationals working in the UK are in fact illegal migrants from the third world using forged documents. This is the government’s preferred method because it allows us to massage the figures, and migrants are still entitled to all the free benefits of legal migrants.

So, don’t delay: Get your forged documents and book your flight to Britain TODAY!

2. On the back of a lorry, box car, ferry, wheel bay of jet aircraft, etc. This will often require the services of intermediaries, or so called ' people smugglers' and is not recommended, as it can be dangerous and is always difficult.  Rather use your money to buy forged or stolen documents.  It does, however, have the advantage that you can be immediately induced into the refugee system, and given money, housing, etc. See 'Refugee Status' below.

3. Indefinite leave to remain:  If you are given indefinite leave to remain, a simple sticker is affixed to your passport, and you are sent a letter. The sticker and letter are incredibly easy to forge! In fact, the design has not changed for 30 years, and we have deliberately made it so easy to forge that fakes are now available for only £30!  With one of these in your passport, you can claim benefits, travel abroad, get free housing, and generally steal as much as you want from the state. For example, if you register for unemployment benefit, nobody will ever bother to check if you have actually obtained your indefinite leave to remain from the Home Office.  If you are in the UK for any reason, get your indefinite leave to remain sticker and start stealing right away!!
 

Remember:  The Labour Party believes that all foreigners are good, British people bad. Muslims good, Christians bad.  Black people good, white people bad.  We are committed to unlimited immigration which will bring us the fantastic gift of cheap labour. Anyone who says anything nasty about us, our policies or about immigrants will be arrested and sent to prison forever, after a short show trial.  Vote for the Labour Party if you share our committment to a doubling of the population within the next 5 years.

mmm