27 June 2007:  Fabulous Labour Party News

UNCLE TONY SAYS GOODBYE!!!!!

Uncle Tony, our fantastic, wonderful Labour Party Agony Uncle, is leaving us today. Unfortunately, the Party is not quite as popular as it once was, so, with an eye to the next election, we’re pulling a trick which the Tories discovered at the end of the Thatcher era:  The incredibly effective ‘good politician, bad politician’ routine.

Here’s how it works: We run a government characterised by sleaze, incompetence, dishonesty and the systematic perversion of all the institutions which once made Britain a civilised nation We also engage in bloody, pointless wars, just so our mates in the defence industries can make a few quid.  Slowly but surely the whole country begins to turn in to a third world hell hole.

Eventually, the electorate begins to notice and we then wait until we become so unpopular that we have no chance of winning the next election. Then we get rid of the leader and promise a ‘new dawn’ of honesty and decency, much to the relief of an incredibly gullible public who then vote for us again! The Tories first pulled this one at the end of Thatcher era, and won themselves 5 more years, so we know it works!

Uncle Tony, in the meanwhile, avoids the flak, and rides off in to the sunset, having made a seriously large pile from his time in office, with plenty more to come, making tedious after dinner speeches about his career as the most machiavellian Labour Party Agony Uncle in history, and various sinecure ‘consultancies’.

As we have always said, we may be evil but we are not stupid.

In the meanwhile, here’s just a sample of tributes from our wonderful readers.

‘I refugee, and I love Uncle Tony. He give me free house, car, money, health and everything, all paid for by British taxpayer!  I no have to work so now I got time to pray 5 times in a day and help make suicide bomb kits. Tony help me to bring my religion to whole  of Europe, and get rid of the non believers.  I say Thank you Uncle Tony, and vote Labour every time.’ Me and my 3 wives and 20 childrens all love Uncle Tony

Marwan, Leeds

I run a building firm, and I love Uncle Tony.  Because the Party opened the borders and allowed unlimited immigration, I have sacked all my British staff and employed immigrants at half the wage, thus doubling my profits, and now I don’t even have to worry about health and safety!!  I say, Thank you Uncle Tony and vote Labour!’

Jeff. Tooting

I Russian ‘businessman’, who got rich through insurance business in Russia.  If they no pay my ‘insurance’ they have accident!! Now I have huge house and pay no tax in London.  Uncle Tony help me by no tax and making best government money can buy!  I even give Labour Party a few quids and now I am a Lord!  I say,Thank you Uncle Tony and vote Labour!

Lord Vladimir, Westminster

I am Albanian brothel owner in London, and I say I love uncle Tony.  Now UK have no border control, I can bring in girls for my brothel, beat them and kill them, and if police come I bung them few quid and they go away. Uncle Tony, his government let me in, so I love him.  Labour party the party of crime.  I say,Thank you Uncle Tony. Vote Labour!

A Alibaba, Kensington

I make high quality forged documents and I have to say, thanks to the Labour Party, business has never been better, mainly because you have allowed so many illegal immigrants in to the country.  If it carries on like this I will soon be able to retire! Thanks Tony, the usual brown envelope is in the post, and you can rest assured, I will vote Labour at least five times in the next election!

Alfred Mensah, (Formerly of Nigeria) London

Tony, you’re fantastic.  I own a firm which supplies the military with various ‘tools of the trade’ (everything they need to go and kill civilians and terrorists by the thousand!), and I was beginning to think we were going to go bust. Now, thanks to you and the Party, there are fantastic and highly lucrative bloody wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Furthermore, it looks like our commitment there will never end, so a bright future is assured.  In fact, things look so good that I am thinking of going in to the body bag business! Thanks Uncle Tony, the usual plain envelope is on its way to you, and let’s keep bombing the Middle East to hell. Our future depends on it!

John, St John’s Wood.

* Do you love Uncle Tony?  Click HERE to send us your tributes and win a council house! (Subject to our usual Terms and Conditions)

Dear Tony

I was recently reading on the BBC website about the special houses that have been built by the Methodist Housing Association in Oldham in order to accomodate some Muslim families. As a lifelong Methodist worshiper (a good christian as you yourself obviously are) and staunch Labour supporter (I mean, you just say the word mate) I would really appreciate your advice with my problem.

I am currently in the process of modernising my old rundown house (which I can't afford really but I can borrow bucket loads of money at the moment) and I would like to install some of the wonderful features that have been described in the BBC report but I am having problems with my local planning department.

They have said that it is OK to fit solar panels on the roof (within reason) but are not too happy about me fitting a wind turbine up there in order  to generate my own electricity and have said that I will have to apply for special planning in order to do this, (something about the neighbours being disturbed by the constant whirring noise but I dont care because they are all middle class little Englander liberal/tory types anyway). Also the the local electricity people were not to happy about me generating my own electricity when I told them I would probably not be needing in their services for much longer.

The main problem I have though is with the kitchen, I thought it was a brilliant of those people to fit kitchens suitable for 'halal cuisine' and I thought "I'm having me one of them,no problem! all of my friends will be dead impressed" well I mean, think about it, it's brilliant, cut out the middlemen and ritually slaughter my own halal goats in my very own home!! I wouldn't have to rely on the crappy cuts of meat from our local butcher any more and we could make a real party party of it. What a crack!

Well Tony, mate, big mistake. The kitchen fitter said that I'm disgusting and has threatened to report me to the RSPCA and give me a smack in the mouth into the bargain (must be some kind of animal lover, just my luck). The local council bloke has called me a freak and won't take my calls regarding the waste disposal,(bleeding heart liberal I reckon). Anyway, sorry to waffle on so much but as you can see I'm having loads of problems now (probably just because I'm a Labour activist) and I'm getting a bit upset I can tell you, I mean, it was on the BBC which I love, so I can't see the problem!

So, could you give me the benefit of your experience and greater knowledge. It would be so much appreciated.
 
Reg Churchgoer.
North East Region. UK. EU.
 
PS I love your letters and superb advice.
 
PPS  I'm not really bothered which way the new Crapper will be facing, just in case you were wondering.

Dear Reg

Thanks for your letter, and all your wonderful compliments!

I am glad that you have asked this question, because many folks have commented on this apparant contradiction:  When lovely, lovely foreign people ritually slaughter goats in their homes, or engage in ‘honour killings’, ritual child abuse and terrorism, we encourage them to do so, on the grounds that their antisocial behaviour is part of their fabulous culture, and we should celebrate this wonderful ‘enrichment’ of ‘diversity’.  We even tell the indigenous population that they should thank the Labour Party for such immigrant joy!

On the other hand, when you, as a white British person, do the same things you are at the very least handed an ASBO, and probably sent to prison.

The reason for this is obvious:  White folks are a lazy, apathetic bunch, who don’t bother to vote, wheras immigrants and dark skinned folk are almost universally Labour voters, (many of them even vote for us several times in the same election! Such dedication!)  and we don’t want to upset them. 

 As a party activist, I am surprised that you haven’t understood this simple concept, but as you are furthering the cause of an organisation which is dedicated to the destruction of your culture and way of life, you must be a complete moron, so it’s understandable.

Tony

14 May:  A QUESTION FOR OUR FABULOUS LABOUR AGONY UNCLE, TONY

Dear Tony

I am a young white man from Manchester, and I am becoming increasingly depressed about my prospects in this country.  I left school at 16 without qualifications, because it was impossible for me to stay there. The school was taken over by immigrant gangs and the teachers spent most of their time avoiding being stabbed.  As a result, very little education went on, and, as one of the last British people in the school, I was receiving daily threats.

I have since managed to get 10 GCSE’s and 4 A levels, and applied to join the police, but they told me that I can’t join because I am white. In fact, all government and public service jobs now seem to be reserved for foreigners and blacks now:  For example, there are only 2 white people working in the city refuse department!

I also need somewhere to live, but the Council tells me that there is absolutely no hope that I will ever be housed, because only dark skinned people and foreigners are now being housed at state expense, and buying is now impossible because house prices are so high.

To be honest with you, I am beginning to feel like a pariah, as a white male, and I am seriously considering committing suicide.

What hope can you offer to me and to people like me?

Pete

Dear Pete

Don’t commit suicide!  Contrary to popular belief, there is one organisation where white males are very welcome:  The Army. In fact, 99.6% of the army consists of white people, as foreigners and dark skinned people don’t seem to be particularly interested in defending our freedom or serving their new found country in any way.

We are presently engaged in a number of foreign wars, and need people who don’t really care if they live or die, just like you. We will be pleased to send you to Iraq, or Afghanistan to take part in our oil war, and there will be a very good chance that you will be blown up by a roadside bomb or murdered by the locals, who don’t really understand the benefits of our foreign policy and like nothing more than killing white people.

If you are killed, we will fly your body back in a blaze of glory and bury you in a Union Jack before forgetting about you completely.  Alternatively, if by a miracle you survive, having given us the best years of your life, we will put you out on the streets once your contract runs out and give you a free cardboard box to live in.

Either way, you can be proud that you have served the Labour government well, and have made the supreme sacrifice, so that foreigners can come to Britain, and live in peace, and be given free houses.  Fantastic!!!

Tony

11 May: A QUESTION FOR OUR FABULOUS LABOUR AGONY UNCLE, TONY

Dear Tony

With reference to my last question to you about Islamic terrorists being allowed into Britain, when other countries like France have barred them, (See ASK TONY, ED), I have to tell you that most of the bastards we are in touch with are planning to kill white British people whenever they get the opportunity. Some are at this moment planning acts of violence so horrific that I can hardly bear to give the details here.

My point is, these people are certainly in the tent, but they are also most definitely pissing in, so your theory that it’s better to have them here and to give them British passports and unlimited free money, houses, etc, seems to have backfired.

Isobel Spy, MI6, Vauxhall

Dear Isobel.

Errm, yes, I must admit, things didn’t go quite as we planned it.  However, rest assured, we are working hard to mitigate any effects of attacks on tube trains, public buildings, etc.  We have beefed up security at Westminster, and have added extra armour to our vehicles when we are out and about. Also, we have made sure that there are adequate places in special nuclear bunkers where we and our families will be sheltered from attack for as long as is necessary. We also never travel by tube.

So,, if the proverbial s**t hits the fan, the business of government will carry on regardless, and we and all our friends and family will be perfectly safe.

We all make mistakes once in a while, but the good news is that we are not the ones who will be paying for them. We leave it to folks like you to do that.

Tony

ASK TONY:  NEW QUESTION (For more, see our fabulous ‘ASK TONY’ section.)

Dear Tony

As an ‘operative’ for MI5, I am astounded at the number of Islamic terrorists we have let in to this country. (Several hundred at last count) Many of them are known by their own governments, who have warned us that they are dangerous and likely to cause harm wherever they are, but the Home Office have insisted that we let them in.

A good example is Abu Hamsa, who is known to have instigated terror attacks all over the world, including the attempted bombing of a transatlantic jet by Richard Reid, the so called shoe bomber. France chucked him out, but we gave him a warm welcome here. Why is this?

Isobel Spy, Vauxhall

Dear Isobel

We’re not as stupid as we at first appear. If they are in this country, we can keep an eye on the buggers, and, as long as they don’t misbehave here, there’s no problem. As Lyndon Johnson once said, “I’d rather have them inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in!”

In any case, as you will know from this site, we believe that all foreigners, even terrorists, are lovely lovely people who never commit crime and bring us endless joy and happiness, and, of course, cheap labour.

I hope that answers your question.

Tony

PS:  Isobel Spy? I Spy? Not your real name surely! (I’m not that naive!)

Dear Tony

I am seriously concerned about my neighbour: He has been openly saying that he doesn’t like immigrants, and that he thinks that the a certain immigrant religion is obnoxious and violent. He is also publicly objecting to the building of a second immigrant place of worship in the area, and has even been heard to say the there was far less crime, and life was better before the Labour government opened our borders and allow the entire population of the third world to come to the UK without any limit or restriction.

The other day he even said to me that he resents the fact that he can’t get  medical treatment on the NHS because there seem to be huge numbers of foreigners ahead of him in the queue. He says he can’t see why they should be treated first when he helps pay for the service through his taxes! He is even threatening to vote for UKIP at the next election! 

Clearly the man is deranged, but he could be dangerous, especially if he starts talking to impressionable young people.  I have reported him to the Police, but they say that he is not committing any crime, because of our insane ‘freedom of speech’ laws. However, he definitely needs shutting up.  What do you suggest?

Pete, Tooting

Dear Pete

I am appalled to hear about your neighbour.  How ungrateful can one get? I mean, doesn’t he understand about the ‘enrichment’ of ‘diversity’? Doesn’t he like cheap labour?  How could anyone in their right mind not love the multicultural society we have created. This man is clearly does not belong in our ‘diverse’ paradise.

The good news is, we in government have a lot of tools at our disposal which we can use to permanently silence subversives, so if the law doesn’t work, we can always do something else.(Extra judicially!) If you let us have his name and  address, we can easily arrange for him ‘have an accident’, if you know what I mean.

Tony

New question for Tony, our fabulous Labour ‘Agony Uncle’

Dear Tony

I have just read 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell, and I have to say, it's absolutely fantastic! As you know, this was a parody of Soviet Russia, but it contains many ideas which are still relevant to our party today. In particular, the use of Stalinist style sloganising to create a new reality in the minds of the people. The pigs, as you remember, created the mantra, 'Four legs good, two legs bad', and the sheep endlessly repeated it, until everybody believed it.

I know that we have two excellent, endlessly repeated sayings with regard to immigration, ('We are enriched by diversity', and 'The economy couldn't function without immigrants), but I think we should develop this further, and create more of these propoganda slogans. After all, we have to keep the indigenous white working class population compliant, as they are voters, even while we f**k them up and destroy their lives!

Here are some of my ideas:

• Foreign workers good, British workers bad!
• Muslims good, Christians bad!
• Hammas good, Israel bad.
• Homosexuals good, heterosexuals bad
• Diwali good, Christmas bad.
• Black people good, white people bad
• Snoop Doggy Dog good, Beethoven bad
• Labour party good, BMP bad.
• Political correctness good, freedom of speech bad.

Ahmed, Edinburgh

Dear Ahmed

This is a fantastic idea!  If we say these things often enough, people will believe them to be true. We have been using Soviet style propaganda like this for a long time, but the effects seem to be wearing off, so your ideas for fresh slogans are very useful, and we will start using them now, in preparation for the next election.

We would like to thank you for your support: Please send us confirmation that you are either dark skinned or foreign, and we will arrange for you to get a free council house.

Tony

23 June 2006:  New question for our fabulous Labour ‘agony uncle’, Tony

Dear Tony

I am a working class white person, and as a result of the massive influx of ‘lovely lovely’ cheap immigrants into my area I am finding it increasingly difficult to get a job. It seems that, around here, employers only employ foreigners, and actively discriminate against folk like me.

My question for you is, how can I compete with the immigrants and so make local employers want to employ me rather than all these foreign people?  I am determined to show that I am not workshy scum, and would welcome your advice on how I can change so that your party and employers will treat us more equally.

John, Croydon

Dear John

Thanks for your letter.  It’s refreshing to see that at last you white British working class types are getting the message that, unless you change, you will be ruthlessly destroyed.

Here are a few ideas for you, to help you compete on equal terms with immigrants:

1. Rent a house or flat designed for 4 people privately along with some friends and pack 50 people in to it.  This will reduce the cost of your rent.
2. Get at least two jobs, preferably dirty and dangerous, all at much less than the minimum wage.
3. Using a number of forged identities, make multiple claims for social security benefits.  The money you earn from your sweatshop jobs (See 2, above) will therefore just be pocket money.
4. Don’t send your children to school!  They are a valuable resource. When they are very young, use them to beg on the streets, and when they are older, get them to go out pickpocketing and stealing handbags and mobile phones in Oxford Street and in other tourist areas of London.
5. Engage in prostitution, drug dealing, people trafficking, pimping, and other tax free occupations, so that you don’t have to put anything back in to the state in the form of taxes.
6. Send all your money abroad, to friends or relatives, so that none of it benefits the local community in any way.
7. Make sure that you fully avail yourself of all the facilities and benefits the state has to offer, and ensure that you put nothing back.

If you do all this, you, too, will be able to compete in the employment market alongside foreigners, and you will not be discriminated against.

We are aware that this will result in a return to Dickensian conditions, and destroy all the progress that has been made in social welfare in the last 100 years, but that is our main objective,and we welcome your help in enabling us to achieve our goals.

Good luck!

Tony

15 July 2006:  New question for our fabulous Labour ‘agony uncle’, Tony

Dear Tony

Please help! My husband, who until recently worked for a large financial institution in Scotland which has his own parliament,laws,police and judges has just now been arrested here in England without any complaint or charges brought against him and has been shipped off to the USA where  he has been manacled in chains and put into prison.

Now I know that we were overdrawn by a few pounds on our little account but don't you think that this is a tad excessive considering that he has been extradited under a law which was designed to deal with terrorists the USA are dying to get their hands on, many of which are actually in prison or wandering freely around our country here in England, a point that seems to have been completely overlooked by the press and TV (especially the BBC).
    
E. M. Bezler (Mrs)

Dear Mrs Bezler

We are sorry to hear about your husband, but as you know, Britain is now a colony of the USA, and we have to do what they tell us.  In any case, if he is white and engaged in fraud of sufficient magnitude to interest the US authorities, he is unlikely to be a Labour voter, so there’s no point in us getting involved.

The only time we take an interest in cases such as this is when the US requests the extradition of Islamic terrorists, who, as you say, are allowed to wander freely around our country. This is because the Islamic community is a substantial source of votes for us, and we don’t want to upset them.

My advice to your husband is to get used to life in prison, stand with his back to the wall in the shower and never pick up the soap if he drops it, and allow American ‘justice’ to take its course.

Tony

25 July 2006:  New question for our fabulous Labour ‘agony uncle’, Tony

Dear Tony,

I am in a desperate situation and I hope that you can help me.

I am a white working class male with a family in an ex-mining town. I live in a two bedroomed terrace property with my wife, two teenagers and a baby. I work and am struggling to keep up with the landlords rent. Now he has told us he is selling the property.

I am at my wits end as, although I am on the Council Housing list and am classed as overcrowded, I will have been dead for several years before myself and my family are allocated a Council property.I also cannot seem to get another private rented home, as all other private landlords are signed up to NASS (National Asylum Support Service) to accommodate our lovely, lovely culturally enriching dark skinned new residents, or are only willing to accept smack heads, whose rent for their run down slum properties is paid directly by the State.

However, on approaching my Council's Homelessness Section I was informed that in emergencies such as this, myself and family woud be accommodated in B&B in Sheffield or Rotherham. This is very kind of them but makes travelling to work and getting the kids to school a bit of a nightmare as we live in an entirely different town, in fact Borough.

I was up in arms about this until I read that our local MP, the illustrious and Labourlovely Eric Illsley Mp stated that ''..asylum seekers are entitled to exactly the same as members of the indigenous population who are classified as homeless.
As in the case of homeless British residents, asylum seekers are accommodated by the Local Authourity on a temporary basis until such time as their asylum is decided.''

Well, now that I know that I am treated in exactly the same way as our traumatised and mentally tortured visitors ,surely the 200 Council Houses allegedly set aside for Asylum seekers by my fantastic and totally fair Labour Council is an absolute myth??

So what can you advise me to do in the meantime? I was hoping you would suggest that I masquerade as an asylum seeker but this will obviously get me nowhere, as natives and and our wonderful and diverse new brothers and sisters are all treated exactly the same.

Mr.Stan Der Whippet

Barnsley

Dear Stan

Thanks for writing, but I think you have failed to understand the reality of your situation. As a white working class person, you are unlikely to vote at all, and if you do, it will probably be for the BMP. It is therefore not in our interests, politically or otherwise, to assist you with housing.

Lovely dark skinned folk and immigrants, on the other hand, are almost always Labour voters, and some of them will vote for us five or six times, in different constituencies, using postal votes ( a stroke of genius on our part, I am sure you will agree).

Thus, when allocating resources like council housing, we in the Labour Party apply the principals of equality, but not as it is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary (the state of being equal.) We prefer the Orwellian view, as explained in our manual for government, Animal Farm: All people are equal, but immigrants and dark skinned people are more equal than others!

My advice to you would be to do what foreigners do: Put your kids to work shoplifting, or engaging in other petty criminal activity, have your wife work on the streets in the oldest profession, and find another two or three families to share a 2 bedroomed house with. That way, you will easily be able to afford the rent.

I don't recommend masquerading as an asylum seeker, because your loveable northern accents would give you away immediately, and we take a dim view of white British folk trying to get resources from the state.

Tony

26 May 2006 Comment from Tony, our fabulous Labour Agony Uncle

HOUSING ALLOCATION TO MIGRANTS AND NON WHITES AN ASTOUNDING SUCCESS!

We in the Labour Party are dedicated to the provision of state subsidised council housing exclusively to foreigners and ethnic minorities, and we are proud to say, we have been fantastically successful!

So effective has our policy been, that when a council flat was allocated to a white person of British origin recently, the event was considered so unusual that it made headlines on the BBC news web site! (For more, click HERE)

Jeremy Heap, a Mancunian, has been given a flat in a part of Oldham where 95% of the population are foreigners of the dark skinned variety, mainly from the Asian sub continent.  This is a no go area for whites, who have very effectively been excluded by immigrant gangs practising a highly organised form of ethnic cleansing.

We have a special message for all you lovely lovely ethnic minorities, our fabulous cheap Labour voters: Don’t worry, our policy hasn’t changed.  We are still dedicated to the principle that no white person of British origin should ever get a council flat. This was merely a propaganda exercise.

It is highly likely that Mr Heap will soon be moving, and the local population will give him considerable motivation to do so:  Faeces through his letterbox, physical attacks, and spitting at him whenever he is out and about will very soon result in him running back to a white area, and we will then be able to re-allocate the flat to a fantastic, lovely, Labour voting foreign person.

Rest assured, we have always, and will always prioritise the needs of foreigners in our country: We can’t afford not to, as their votes keep us in power!

19 October 2006: Another question for Tony, our fabulous Labour Party ‘agony uncle’.

Dear Tony

I have listened with interest to the recent debate on the veil, and your Miss Islamic Veil contest, (See ‘Competitions’ , Ed) and I have to say, I am just a little suspicious.  Could it be that you folks in the Party, and the business community who you serve, have discovered that Muslims are not quite as useful as you thought when it comes to doing all the ‘McJobs’ in the economy. (worthless low status jobs at the minimum wage, or less).

In fact, the Eastern Europeans are far better at providing cheap labour and cause much less trouble than the Islamic community,and in the meanwhile, the public, particularly the white working class British, are becoming increasingly skeptical about the so called ‘enrichment’ of ‘diversity’ and are turning in their millions to the appalling BNP.

As you still need white working class votes, you are using Muslims as scapegoats, and have started this debate to show that you are in fact listening to the concerns of the great unwashed, whose lives are being destroyed by the unrestricted tide of humanity that you have deliberately allowed in to our country.

Call me cynical if you will, but I think you have made a classic, Machiavallian Labour Party calculation here:  Lose a few Muslim votes, but get the far more numerous working classes, who you have utterly betrayed, (and who now hate you), back on your side.

Jeff, Newcastle Upon Tyne

Dear Jeff

I think you have misunderstood the way New Labour spin and propaganda works. We in the Party still love all foreigners, especially Muslims, because they, above all others, are helping us to systematically destroy the way of life of white British working class people.  However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide the negative consequences of our policies, and we still need votes from all parts of the community.

Our solution is to control the debate and limit it to whether or not lovely lovely Islamic folks should wear the veil or not. Even while the discussion is continuing, we are still allowing millions more of them to come to our country and get free council houses, health care, education and money. In fact, the flow of migrants is still increasing!

So, our policy of unrestricted immigration continues, but the public believes that we are listening to them, and understand their problems, and hopefully the bastards will still vote for us in the next election.

Clever, eh?

Tony