3 July 2007: More letters for Gordon our fabulous Labour ‘Agony Uncle’.

Dear Uncle Gordon

I’m seriously worried: With the departure of Tony Blair, there has been a great deal of talk of ‘change’ from the new PM and his cabinet. I love the Labour Party, and particularly their policies of

• Uncontrolled immigration, and the provision of fantastic cheap labour to help make businesses owners and rich people richer.
• The diversion of all state resources, housing, health care and jobs to immigrants and dark skinned folk
• Reduced law enforcement, except for the draconian prosecution of parking offences and political dissidents.
• Government officials more open to ‘financial inducements’, including the opportunity to buy honours and government contracts
• The dismantling of the welfare state
• The destruction of the appalling white British working class community and the removal of all state resources from them
• The taking part in unwinnable, pointless wars by our armed forces (great for the arms industry, and the chance to kill a few working class white people! )
• Increased taxation, but only for working class people.
• The constant erosion of civil liberties, so that anyone who doesn’t like us can be sent to prison, where they belong 

I, for one, as a ‘businessman’, with interests in the ‘recreational pharmaceuticals’, ‘adult entertainment’ and ‘personal documentation’ industries, and with shares in major armaments companies, feel that New Labour is the party for me, and I would ask for your assurance that any changes will be purely cosmetic. I am ready to deliver significant numbers of votes from my community here in Glasgow, and of course, the usual plain envelopes to party headquarters, so it will defiinitly be ‘worth your while’ to do so!

Regards

Ahmad, Glasgow

Downing Street: New tenant, same old policies.

Dear Ajmad

Don’t worry, we aren’t really planning to change anything at all, but we may have to pretend to, as we are losing votes amongst the white British people, who still make up a sizeable and important minority. Unfortunately, we need their votes to win the next election, which is why we were forced to get rid of Tony Blair.

Please get in touch by letter with regard to your proposals for delivering votes, and all offers of financial inducements, and hopefully we can meet up soon. I look forward to doing business with you.

Gordon

22 December 2007: Another fantastic letter for Gordon, our Labour Party ‘Agony Uncle’.

Dear Uncle Gordon

In the light of the Labour Party's continued support for all faiths other than Christianity in our country, I have been considering starting a new religion. The name of the new faith would be Support for Holy International Terrorism, or SHIT, and would have as its central principles the following:

1. The world should be divided into two zones: Believers and non believers. Only believers would be worthy of respect, and it would be perfectly acceptable to steal from, lie to, cheat, assault, murder and rape anyone who is a non believer.

2. The paedophile grooming and rape of the children of non believers would be acceptable and encouraged.

3. Our religion would wage permanent war against all neighbouring communities with which we are in contact. This war would be carried out with the utmost savagery, including the murder of innocent people through the use of suicide bombers. Nevertheless, we would constantly assert that we are victims, and that the other communities are at fault.

7. We would blow up buses and tube trains, in an attempt to dictate the foreign policy of your country, killing hundreds of people in the process.

8. We would demand that our code of law takes priority and supersedes the centuries old domestic legal system.

9. Our ultimate goal will be to take over the whole country and turn it into a SHIT state, subjugating the indigenous people. 

10 If the local population complain, we will rely on the Labour Government to endlessly tell them that we are lovely lovely people, and they are very lucky that we are bringing them this 'enrichment of diversity', and they should be grateful that we are here and taking over their homeland. We know that You will even change your immigration policies to allow even more of us in to the country from all over the world, and you will say that anyone who doesn't like us is is a racist fascist Nazi thug, and should be sent to prison.

11. If writers, newspapers, or other media say anything we don't like, we will demonstrate on the streets, burning effigies, and threatening to kill them. We will even burn their publications in public, and use our religious authority to call them blasphemers and sentence them to death!

I hope you like the idea of our new religion, Gordon, and will be one of our first converts! (Or else!) Naturally, we know that millions of pounds of taxpayers' money will be used to help us set up and grow our faith, and although we will secretly be astounded at your stupidity, we will take the money while we can!

Our motto: Become a SHIT or die!
 
Craig, Croydon


Dear Craig

What a fantastic idea, but I think you will find that a religion already exists which is almost identical to yours,which has millions of followers in the United Kingdom, and is growing all the time. This religion receives massive state subsidies, and its followers are given priority treatment by all government departments. It will soon be the only permitted faith in our country.

I would suggest that, instead of going to the trouble of starting afresh, you join them, as if you do, you will automatically be given a huge council house!

Gordon

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22 April 2008: Another letter for Gordon, our Labour Party ‘agony uncle’.

Dear Gordy

It seems as though you are having a bit of a hard time of it lately, what with all the problems that we have now ( all caused by Tony of course ) but not to worry as I have something that may help you to repair any of the following:-

1. Terrorism and hatred of the indiginous population (especially the English).
    
2. The impending doom and possible collapse of the once booming economy and all those naughty banks (especially that Northern Rock Mob) with all that money that they keep taking from us, (sorry!): You.
    
3. Those very naughty MPs with all those undisclosed expenses who are gradually bleeding us all dry.
    
4. Your rapidly falling ratings in the polls and the rising support for those nasty people in the unmentionable (British National) party (thousands of them apparantly).
    
5. The problems associated with inflation, the rapidly decreasing Pound against the Euro due to all the billions in Sterling that have been pumped into Europe in order to underpin the Euro, even after you used all your own money and sold off all of your very own gold reserves in order to subsidise the economies of our European couzins. Rotten eh!
    
6. The constant moaning of all those hard working, taxpaying Brits who, even now still have not quite realised that all their houses are not really worth anywhere near the values that have been placed on them in the past ten years or so. Just wait till they twig onto the fact that that your naughty, naughty ministers will probably panic them to vote in the Euro in exchange for the Pound at a rate of one for one and their house and property values will plummet by about half overnight.
    
7. The fact that all the immigration has apparently not been so great for the country (they are sending most of their money home and at the same time overloading our already overstreched services) and the great multicultural experiment, that didn’t work either, did it.
    
8. Strikes! Gordy, strikes! They are all at it now. Teachers, Coppers, Postmen, Civil Servants, whatever next? The bloody Army?
    
9. Criminals, Gordy boy, see you Jimmy, they are all at it as well. False passports, driving documents, credit cards, scamming the DHSS, stealing laptops and CDs from secure government vehicles etc: killing ordinary people and old ladies in the street for no reason and the joke is Gordy that they even think that they will get away with it (they think that they won't get sent to prison as it's full), they are even dealing in drugs and people trafficking. Can you believe it Gordy mate. What next? Slavery?
    
10. Education Gordy. Christ! It seems that some kids are leaving school and can't read and write let alone add up their wages or work out the mortgage if they should be lucky enough to find a job or buy a house.

I don't know Gordy mate, there are probably dozens of other issues that I could go on about, airports and busses blowing up, forced marriages, honour killings, homicide bombers, ferel kids, global cooling, devolution, food crops being replaced by bio crops, etc: etc: etc: but not to worry Gordy old buddy because I have the answer. Yes I have just what you need! I was going to keep it a secret but seeing that you are in such a dour, sorry, dire situation, I have decided to let you in on it but promise me you won't tell anyone else or everyone will want it. Promise mind, cross your heart and hope to die????

Well it's Vinegar and Brown paper, and the best bit though is that it's dirt cheap, you could get a whole lorry load of it if you wanted to and besides all the problems that I have listed here it has a thousand and one other uses. You might even be able to patch up some of those poor soldiers in that poxy hospital in Birmingham, although I don't know if it works on M.R.S.A. or any of those other 'superbugs' .

Oh, just an afterthought, you can also use some tape with it if you want. I find the best stuff is the Brown type, the one you use to seal up parcels etc: when you want to seal up something to send it out of the country but watch it mind because it's very sticky!
 
  Seymore White.
   UK region EU

Dear Seymore

Thank you for your letter, but I’m not sure about the practicality of your solution. What we in the Labour Party believe will solve all our problems, is unlimited and uncontrolled immigration, which at the very least will ensure that there are many more wonderful Labour voters out there, so that we can stay in power and continue to enjoy the privileges of the fabulous Westminster gravy train, which, at the end of the day, is all we really care about.

Gordon

6 Jan 2007: Another fantastic letter for Gordon, our Labour Party ‘agony uncle’.

Dear Uncle Gordon

I come to UK in lorry last week, I no want to wait for papers or British passport, you know good forger or lawyer he fix this for me?

Ramsamy, London

Dear Ramsamy

The News of the World recently did a feature on a number of fabulous law firms which can offer you a first class service, including passports, utility bills, indefinite leave, etc, and some of them offer a 1 week service! The Home Office works closely with these firms, through ‘associates’ working in the highly diversified immigration and nationality directorate, so good results are guaranteed.

If these firms can’t help, many law practices which have legal practitioners with names like Odinga., Mensah, Mahmoud, etc, will definitely be able to help you with your immigration issues, in ways which are not strictly within the letter of the law, and, of course, we will ensure that the relevant departments turn a blind eye. We want to help you ‘enrich’ us with ‘diversity’ at every opportunity!

Once you have all your paperwork, don’t forget to visit your local housing office so you can be allocated your free home, and, of course, please register to vote, in as many false names as possible, and VOTE LABOUR! If you don’t, it’s possible that a party which wants to end our fantastic ‘open border’ system may come in to power, and then it will be much more difficult to get your many relatives in to the country, so that they can in turn, be give free houses.

Gordon

26 July 2008: Letter of the week: Win a council house!

The rising cost of forged passports: We take action!

money wit the international fraud development fund, we can all go back home one day and take all of it back to home, and all of the neighboors will want to come ova to be slaves, because I am so great. We can tell stories aboot how the stupid English women and men are crazy, all night long by the fire.

I will run for province mP, with the tricks of the trade, taut me by Labour, I know how they do it, I need a Jewish money launderer to fund all me expensives. Dem say, heyas is a gift, and more come again. Them want some favor some time back, so I will let them have me niece, and we can have a party of bush meat. Oh, dat reminds me. Me auntie is tellin me Aunti M'Bendy has recieved the monkey and a brace of gorilla feet, for when we circumsize me daughta Wednesday.

Please, get back to me about the expensives please. This state of uncertainty must need to b dealt with a shoort, shark, chop.

Be mine,

Entongy Charlemagne McDonald

Dear Etongy

Thank you for bringing this problem to our attention. We are particularly concerned that if the cost of forged passports becomes unaffordable to the masses, then a huge number of potential Labour voters will be prevented from coming here and helping to keep us in power, which would be a disaster for us and all our supporters.

As a result, we are organising a system of grants and subsidies to help fund forged documents for foreigners, and will allow an unlimited budget for this, even if it means that we don’t have enough taxpayer’s money left to help pensioners pay their fuel bills, or fund the health service. Your happiness is our priority!

For bringing this issue to our attention, and as writer of our ‘Letter of the Week’, we have decided to award you a fantastic council house, and unlimited benefits for the rest of your life. We always reward our friends.

Gordon

P.S. If you needs diss ansah in de pidgin english, juss like you speaks, you just sen’ me an email to tell me dat, bro. We nevah minds peayin’ for de translatah!

05 Aug 2007: Another letter for Gordon, our fabulous Labour Party ‘Agony Uncle’.

Dear Uncle Gordon

Like me, I am sure that you have been appalled by the sight of the horrific flooding in South Asia, (For more click HERE) and the terrible suffering of all those lovely lovely foreigners. Naturally a disaster relief fund has been set up, and the British goverhment will have sent emergency aid to the area immediately, at a cost of millions to the taxpayer, but this time I am sorry to say, I don’t think you have done enough. After all, the usual ethos of the Party is that no expense should be spared when helping foreign people, even if this means that our own indigenous population have to go without.

Here’s my suggestion for a way you could really help these people: Bring them to the UK and give them free houses, health care, education, and money. As with all foreigners who come this country, they can be given enough money to retire on, but if they wish to work, government and civil service posts could be reserved for them, so that they can enjoy life in our beautiful country.

Concerned, Nottingham

A lovely family of Asians affected by the recent monsoon floods. They should all be brought to the UK and given free council houses.

Dear Concerned

Thanks for your letter, and what a fantastic idea! We were already planning to allow another 20 million lovely south Asian folk in to our country over the next year or two, and this could be a perfect opportunity to do so more quickly. I will investigate the logistics of such an operation.

Of course, once they arrive here, we will divert whatever resources it takes to help them to start a new life in out country and help build our economy by providing even more cheap labour for our wonderful business community, and of course, votes for us.

You may remember that we have 100000 people whose homes have been damaged by flooding here, but as they are mostly in areas which don’t support the Labour Party, we will divert the few resources we have made available to them, and give them to this fantastic community of enriched, lovely foregners, just like we always do.

Gordon